If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
