Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Randomize
