I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
