You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
