wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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