Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
