I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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