It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
