K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
