I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
