the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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