how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
