I think I won the penis lottery.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
