I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
