i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
