i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
