we're chasing vodka with high fives
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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