Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
