why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
