I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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