I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
