Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
