So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
