I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
