I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
