I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
