This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
