We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
