dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
