I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
