I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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