Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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