He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
