he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
