just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
