im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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