dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
