One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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