You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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