I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
