Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
