He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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