If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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