I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
