this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
