You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
