The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Randomize
