why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
