you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
