The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
