I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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